Stiffy Makane: Apocolocyntosis — 104 of 235

One of the Bruces and Drunken Bastard

Release 1

Part Two - "Zach's Mohelerie"

Zach's Mohelerie is south of Jerusalem. The description is "This small but brightly lit room smells of disinfectant and blood, rather like the better class of abattoir. A cheery sign welcomes you to Zach's Mohelerie, flanked by certificates and testimonials. A door opens onto the street, to the north."

The chopping block is a supporter in Zach's Mohelerie. The description is "The chopping block is a simple wooden pedestal with a butcher-block top. It is about thirty inches high, and the top is cut and stained from frequent use."

Some certificates are scenery in Zach's Mohelerie. The description is "The certificates probably state that Zach is a licensed Mohel, who went to Mohel School and everything, but since they're in Hebrew, you'll never really know."

Some testimonials are scenery in Zach's Mohelerie. The description is "The testimonials, in many different languages, attest to Zach's skill at performing circumcisions."

Zach is a man in Zach's Mohelerie. The description is "A thin, nervous-looking man, with wild gray hair, wild brown eyes, and a long beard, rocks back and forth from foot to foot, [if the golden banana is warned_about]drenched in sweat[otherwise]absentmindedly flipping a long knife from hand to hand[end if]." The default reply of Zach is "'Idon'tknowverymuchaboutthatareyougoingtogivemesomethingtocutorwhat?'" The conversation of Zach is the Table of Zach's Chatter. Understand "man", "thin", "nervous", "nervous-looking", "Zacharais", "Zac", "Zack", "mohel", "foot", "sweat", "sweaty", "exhausted", "exhaustion", "hand", "rocks", "rocking", and "skinny" as Zach.

Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, buggering, kissing, or wanking off Zach, say "Zach oscillates his head and says, 'Nothat'sreallynotmystylesorry.'";

Instead of giving or showing anything to Zach, say "Zach says, 'Lookjustputitonthechoppingblockifyouwantmetocutit.'"

Instead of putting the stiffycock on the chopping block for the first time:

say "Zach gives you a brief, but penetrating look. 'Areyousureyouwantmetodothat?' he asks. 'Becausereallyit'saprettybigstepbecomingJewishandjoiningthecovenantandthere'snogoingbackbutifyoureallymeanitwhipitoutandputitontheblockagain.'[paragraph break]";

say "You hesitate.".

Instead of putting the stiffycock on the chopping block:

say "There is a brief flash of steel and blinding pain. You're vaguely aware of Zach kissing the blood away as you sink to the ground. But then, everything [italic type]does[roman type] change. You settle down, learn Hebrew, begin to read the Torah. You marry a nice Jewish girl named Rebecca, with thick ankles but marvelous latkes. You become a cantor in the Temple. Eventually, your father even accepts the fact that you've converted to Judaism.[paragraph break]Eris is a little pissed off, but, well, fuck her, you're a Jew now.[paragraph break]In the fullness of time, you inherit Cocky's trading empire, and your fourteen sons in turn carry it on when you become too old to take an active hand in its running. You die at a great old age, surrounded by your loving family, adored and prosperous.";

end the story saying "You have found a happy[emdash]though not exactly the winning[emdash]ending".

Instead of putting the Golden Banana of Discord on the chopping block:

if the golden banana is warned_about, instead say "Zach shakes his head. 'Alreadydiditforyoucan'tdoitagain'";

say "Zach stares intently at the Golden Banana, then shrugs. 'Metalbananawellwhynot,' he says. His knife flashes. Sparks fly. Zach staggers backward and lurches against the wall. 'Sonofabitch,' he mutters.[paragraph break]";

say "Keeping a wary eye on the banana, Zach changes to a skinnier knife, which he proceeds to sharpen extremely thoroughly. He retrieves some thick leather gloves from his workbench and puts them on. 'Let'sseeyougetawayfromthisone,' he growls, and launches himself at the banana.[paragraph break]";

say "There's a horrible screech of tortured metal that seems to go on for minutes; fountains of blue-white sparks effervesce into the air. Zach keeps up a running shouted commentary of expletives and invectives. Finally, drenched in sweat, he bends over the piece of metal, kisses it gently, and steps back. 'Alldone,' he proclaims. 'Thanksthatwasareallyinterestingchallengeenjoyyourbanana.'";

now the golden banana is warned_about;

move the golden banana to the chopping block;

now the global_pirate_attack_flag is 1.

Instead of putting anything on the chopping block, say "Zach looks intently at [the noun]. 'Nothere'snowaytocircumcise[italic type]that[roman type],' he says.";

Zach's beard is part of Zach. The description is "Long and gray." Understand "long" and "gray" as Zach's beard.

Zach's eyes are part of Zach. They are ambiguously plural. Understand "eye", "brown", "wild", "bloodshot", and "staring" as Zach's eyes. The description is "Zach stares anxiously with wild, bloodshot brown eyes."

Zach's hair is part of Zach. The description is "Tangled, wild, and gray." Understand "tangled", "wild", and "gray" as Zach's hair.

Zach's knife is held by Zach. The description is "The long, wicked knife gleams in the light. It looks very sharp." Understand "long", "wicked", "sharp", and "gleaming" as Zach's knife.

Table of Zach's Chatter

topicreplysummaryturn stamp
"Syra""'YeahIfuckedheritwasOK.'""he has had sexual relations with Syra"a number
"Zach/Zac/Zacharais/mohel/himself""'I'mthebestmohelinJerusalemandthatmeansthebestintheworldandalsoI'mthefastestIcanhaveaforeskinoffbeforeyoucansay[italic type]JackRobinson[roman type].'""he says he's the best and the fastest mohel in the world"--
"me/Stiffy/Makane/Macanus/Lucius/Mentula" or "Lucius Macanus Mentula""'IalsowelcomenewconvertsandI'mhappytocircumciseadultstoo.'""he's happy to welcome new converts into the fold"--
"cock/penis/rod/schween/dick/foreskin/foreskins""'Icancutanypenisontheplanet.'""no dick is too large or too small for him to circumcise"--
"knife""'Ipromiseit'sreallysharp.'""his knife is very sharp"--
"banana/golden/discord" or "Golden Banana" or "Golden Banana of Discord""'YeahI'veheardofitIbetIcouldcutit.''""he thinks he could cut the Golden Banana of Discord"--
"circumcision/circumcise""'JustputitonthechoppingblockandI'lldotherest.'""put the thing you want cut on his chopping block"--