Stiffy Makane: Apocolocyntosis — 59 of 235

One of the Bruces and Drunken Bastard

Release 1

Section Two - "Dear Old Dad"

Cocky is a man on the wooden chair. The printed name of Cocky is "Cocky Makane". The indefinite article of Cocky is "your". Understand "father", "dad", "grizzled", "Macanus", "Gallio", "Gallus", "veteran", "pop", "pa", "cock", "cocky", "makane", "man", and "old" as Cocky. The description is "Your father, Cocky Makane[17 as a footnote], is a grizzled old veteran with a good nose for a profit. He's sitting in a chair at a small table, the morning rush of clients having spent itself. He appears to be checking a ledger for accuracy." The default reply of Cocky is "'Son, I'm not going to answer stupid questions.'" The conversation of Cocky is the Table of Cocky's Chatter. Cocky has a virginity. Cocky is unboinked. [Thankfully, not for what you're thinking.]

Before asking Cocky about something:

if Stiffy at Sea has happened


say "Cocky shakes his head. 'Son,' he says, 'it's nice to see you, but[run paragraph on]";

if the Golden Banana of Discord is held by the player


if the Golden Banana of Discord is warned_about


say " shouldn't you be taking that banana to Eris in Olympus?'";


say " shouldn't you be getting that banana peeled?'";

end if;


say " aren't you supposed to be out finding the Golden Banana?'";

end if;

stop the action;

end if.

Before asking Cocky about "signet ring", replace the topic understood with "ring".

Before asking Cocky about "ring/signet":

if Cocky is not_warned_about


replace the topic understood with "#fake0";


if the signet ring is not visible, replace the topic understood with "#fake1";

end if.

Before asking Cocky about "golden ass", replace the topic understood with "ship".

Before asking Cocky about "ship/golden/ass/yacht/boat/vessel":

if Cocky is not_warned_about


replace the topic understood with "#fake2";

end if.

Before asking Cocky about "Eris/Discordia":

if Cocky is not_warned_about, replace the topic understood with "#fake3".

Before asking Cocky about "Jupiter Virilis", replace the topic understood with "Jupiter".

Before asking Cocky about "jupiter/virilis/jove/zeus":

if Cocky is not_warned_about, replace the topic understood with "#fake4".

Instead of giving or showing the ring to Cocky, say "'I'm glad you found it,' he says. 'By all means, keep it. You've earned it.'"

Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, kissing, or wanking off Cocky:

If Stiffy Makane is filthy, instead say "Your father recoils. 'You're covered in sewage!' he exclaims. 'Get yourself to the baths!'";

say "Your father gently, but firmly, pushes you away. 'Son,' he says, not unkindly, 'that's among the many reasons our branch of the Makanes moved [italic type]away[roman type] from Luca.'"

Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of Cocky: no.

Cocky's nose is part of Cocky. Understand "beak" as Cocky's nose. The description is "In addition to being keenly able to smell a profit, Cocky's nose is a classic Roman beak."

Cocky's ledger is held by Cocky. Understand "paper", "debit", "credit", "business", "account", "accounting", "scroll", and "papyrus" as the ledger. The description is "The ledger is a papyrus scroll mostly filled with debit-and-credit information relating to your father's business."

Cocky's pen is held by Cocky. Understand "reed" as Cocky's pen. The description is "Cocky is making notations with a reed pen."

Cocky's table is a supporter in the Tablinum. It is scenery. The description is "It's just a plain wooden table, stacked up with papers, notes, and tablets. There's an inkwell, a stylus, some sealing-wax: basically, all the appurtenances of transacting business." Understand "wood", "wooden", "plain", "papers", "notes", "tablet", "tablets", "note", "inkwell", "stylus", "wax", "sealing", and "sealing wax" as Cocky's table. Instead of doing anything other than examining with Cocky's table, say "Your father's warning glance freezes you in your tracks." Instead of putting anything on Cocky's table, try taking Cocky's table. Instead of removing anything from Cocky's table, try taking Cocky's table.

Table of Cocky's Chatter

topicreplysummaryturn stamp
"himself/dad/pa/father/pop/Gallio/Macanus/Makane/Gallus/Cock/Cocky" or "Gallio Macanus Gallus""'Not bad for an old goat-fucker, eh?'""he is proud of having transcended his humble origins in the Appenines"--
"goat/goat-fucker/satyr/nymph/Urgulania/Appenines/Luca/mural/myth""'Well, the family legend is that we're descended from a girl, Urgulania, who was raped by a satyr in the Appenines, near her home in Luca, you know.'""that the Makane clan, legendarily, descends from Urgulania of Luca, raped by a satyr"--
"octopus/mosaic/sailor/sailors/kraken""'The kraken hasn't eaten any of my ships yet, but you never know.'""the octopus mural is speculative rather than documentary"--
"business/ledger/scroll/papyrus/paper""'Business is pretty good. Could be better, but we won't have to be whoring ourselves on the streets anytime soon.'""he says his business is doing acceptably"--
"mom/Helena/mother""'Haven't seen her. Think she went out shopping with her new maidservant, Clodia.'""he thinks your mother, Helena, went shopping with Clodia"--
"Clodia/maidservant""'She's new. Kinda pretty. I think your mom's breaking her in.'""he thinks Clodia is attractive but hardly ardor-inspiring"--
"me/Stiffy/Lucius/Mentula""'You're all right, kid.'""he thinks you're OK"--
"money/cash/gold/coin/coins/silver/denarius/denarii/areum""'You're clever. Earn your own.'""he told you you'd have to earn your own money"--
"Bruno""'Bruno is fanatically loyal to me and, of course, my designated agents, who are, as you know, defined by the fact that they wear my signet ring.'""he said that Bruno would remain loyal to him or people wearing his signet ring"--
"#fake0""'Which god or goddess, exactly, has touched you so that I should give you my ring?'""he doesn't think you need his signet ring"--
"#fake1""'Well, yes. You probably should have my ring to pursue your divine quest. However, ah, I believe I left it with Festus. You should get it from him.'""he left his ring with Festus, from whom you should retrieve it"--
"ring/signet""'Take it with my blessings.'""you have his blessing to wear the signet ring"--
"#fake2""'What deity came down and blessed you, such that you should get to commandeer my yacht?'""he's skeptical about lending you [italic type]The Golden Ass[roman type]"--
"ship/golden/ass/yacht/boat/vessel" or "Golden Ass""'It's yours if you need it, son. Just wear the signet ring, and Bruno will let you take it wherever you want.'""once you are wearing his signet ring, Bruno will let you have the ship"--
"#fake3""'Don't go getting mixed up with goddesses, son. It'll only end in tears.'""he doesn't think you should be getting involved with goddesses"
"eris/discordia""'It's all going to end badly; try to keep her happy.'""he wishes you hadn't gotten involved with Eris"
"#fake4""'I sacrifice to him quite often. He's on our side, most of the time'""as gods go, Jupiter Virilis is high in his esteem"--
"jupiter/virilis/jove/zeus""'Dangerous to be so highly esteemed by him. Good luck.'""he wishes you luck as Jupiter's new favorite"--
"priest" or "priest of jupiter" or "priest of jupiter virilis""'Drunken old sot, isn't he?'""he thinks the priest of Jupiter Virilis is a drunkard"--
"Julia""'She's a hottie, isn't she?'""he thinks Julia is pretty hot; he didn't even mention the nose"--
"Julius/Caesar" or "Julius Caesar" or "Gaius Julius Caesar""'Yep, that man will go far. In fact, he'll go [italic type]all the way[roman type] at the drop of a hat.' He sniffs suspiciously, his great nose twitching like a hound's. 'But I expect you already know that, don't you?'""he knows all about Caesar's predelictions"
"Syra""'Now there's a name I've not heard in some time. Dark skin, wide hips, black hair, red lips, enormous sexy nose, ye gods what a ride that woman gave!' He leers engagingly. 'Why, did you run into her? No? Too bad. Well, if you do, tell her I said hi.'""he remembers Syra with great fondness"--
"Festus/slave/lazy" or "lazy slave""'I borrowed him for a while this morning. Don't worry, I didn't break him, just stretched him out some. A little alum and he'll be right as rain.'""he borrowed [italic type]your[roman type] slave, yet again"--
"Glub/Tsathoggua/Juiblex/Eihort""'I've never been able to determine whether or not he's real. Sounds like a frightening god.'""Glub sounds like a frightening, if possibly fictitious, deity"--
"Fatty/Norbanus/Gaius/Flaccus/party" or "Norbanus Flaccus" or "Gaius Norbanus Flaccus" or "Fatty Norbanus""Your father steeples his fingers. 'That would be Gaius Norbanus Flaccus[23 as a footnote]. You can usually find him at the the baths. He throws pretty good parties, but honestly they aren't worth the cost of the invitation.'"--