Stiffy Makane: Apocolocyntosis — 35 of 235

One of the Bruces and Drunken Bastard

Release 1

Part Two - "Baldanders"


Baldanders is a man in the Battlement. The printed name of Baldanders is "the Gostak chief". The indefinite article of Baldanders is "the". The description of Baldanders is "The Gostak chief[6 as a reference][7 as a reference] is a giant of a man, with lank, thinning blond hair[8 as a reference]. He carries an enormous mace, which he wields as if it weighed nothing at all." Understand "Gostak", "chief", "chieftan", "giant", and "man" as Baldanders. The default reply of Baldanders is "The giant is in no mood for conversation." Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of Baldanders: no. Baldanders is unspeakable.

The hair is part of Baldanders. The description is "Lank, thin blonde hair is stretched across the giant's skull." Understand "lank", "blonde", "blond", "thin", "thinning", and "yellow" as the hair.

The mace is held by Baldanders. The description is "The huge iron mace crackles with eldritch fire." Understand "iron", "mace", "eldritch", "fire", "fiery", and "huge" as the mace. Instead of throwing the toga at the mace, try throwing the toga at Baldanders. Instead of taking the mace, say "The giant swings the mace in a sizzling arc, driving you back."

The kilt is a garment worn by Baldanders. The description is "The giant's kilt hangs almost to his knees, the distinctive tartan of Clan Gostak." Understand "tartan", and "skirt" as kilt.

Check going south in the battlement:

if Baldanders is in the battlement, instead say "The Gostak chief steps smoothly into the doorway, laughing nastily as he twirls his mace.";

say "BUG! How did you get here?";

stop the action.

Check fucking Baldanders:

if the stiffycock is not held by the player


say "You aren't undressed for the occasion.";


say "You are a lover, not a fighter. You'd need to be awfully good at both to hope to succeed at that.";

end if;

stop the action.

Check inserting anything into Baldanders: instead try kissing Baldanders.

Check kissing Baldanders:

instead say "You'd have to get past the mace first. Not much chance of that."

Instead of sucking, rubbing, wanking off, blowing, or eating Baldanders:

say "What with the mace, you can't get close enough to even peek up his kilt and see what's under there."

Instead of attacking Baldanders, say "The giant contemptuously beats aside your puny blow with his gargantuan mace. You are, after all, a lover, not a fighter."

Instead of attacking Baldanders with [t - something preferably held], try attacking Baldanders. Instead of kicking Baldanders, try attacking Baldanders. Instead of pushing Baldanders, try kissing Baldanders.

Check throwing the toga at Baldanders:

if the toga is worn by the player


say "You're still wearing the toga. That won't work.";


move the toga to Limbo;

say "The giant makes a complicated swoop with his mace, wraps your toga around it, and flings it high and wide over the battlement, where it spirals flapping into the darkness below.";

end if;

stop the action.

Check throwing the banana at Baldanders:

say "Even in your extremity, you are unwilling to relinquish the Golden Banana of Discord.";

stop the action.

Instead of putting the toga on the mace, try throwing the toga at Baldanders.

Table of Baldander's Actions

"The Gostak chief aims a vicious blow at your head. You twist away desperately, skidding on the wet flagstones. The mace smashes into the stone, throwing a shower of sparks."
"The giant jabs at you with the mace, forcing you to retreat towards the edge of the battlement."
"The chieftan sneers. 'I'll distim [italic type]your[roman type] dosh, laddie!' he cries in a barbarically thick accent. He looks quite pleased with himself for this linguistic feat."
"The giant pulverizes a flagstone from which you leapt just in time."
"The Gostak chief drives you towards the drop with a terrifying flourish of his mace."
"A glancing blow catches your shoulder, sending you reeling to the very verge of the battlement."


[1]. This scene borrows heavily from Gene Wolfe's Sword of the Lictor