Stiffy Makane: Apocolocyntosis — 233 of 235

One of the Bruces and Drunken Bastard

Release 1

Volume Twenty-One - "The Trials of Stiffy"

Halls of Justice is a room in Olympus. The description is "The Halls of Justice are a cavernous space of marble and fountains. It's somewhat hard to look around, since you are shackled to a pillar."

Justice_shackles is scenery in Halls of Justice. The description is "You are chained to a convenient pillar with heavy iron shackles." Understand "shackle", "shackles", "convenient", "pillar", "pillars", "heavy", "iron", "chain", and "chains" as justice_shackles. The printed name is "shackles".

Justice_scenery is scenery in Halls of Justice. The description is "Fountains, marble, high ceilings. Pretty much what you'd expect. Nearer to you, Jupiter stands behind a lectern, with Justitia at his side holding her scales. Juno and Argus are to his left, Eris to his right." The printed name is "Halls of Justice". Understand "hall", "halls", "justice", "fountain", "fountains", "marble", "ceiling", "floor", "ceilings", "floors", and "lectern" as justice_scenery.

Scenery_justitia is a woman in Halls of Justice. She is scenery. She is proper-named. The printed name is "Justitia". Understand "Justitia", "Dike", "Themis", "scales", "scale", "sword", "blindfolded", and "blindfold" as scenery_Justitia. The description is "Justitia, blindfolded, holds a pair of scales and a sword."

Trial is a recurring scene. Trial begins when the location is Halls of Justice. Trial ends when location is not Halls of Justice.

Test trial1 with "z/z/z/z".

Test trial2 with "z/z/z/z/z/z".

Instead of asking someone about something during Trial:

say "Your tongue refuses to move."

Instead of doing anything other than examining, taking inventory, or waiting during Trial:

say "You are held fast by your shackles."

Every turn during Trial:

if the time since Trial began is one minute


say "Jupiter clears his throat. 'Today we hear the case of [italic type]Argus v. Stiffy[roman type]. Argus will be represented by his counsel Juno, and the mortal Makane by Eris.'";

end if;

if the time since Trial began is two minutes


say "Juno steps forward. 'Your honor,' she says, 'the prosecution's case is simple. This vile mortal ascended Olympus and most foully attempted to sodomize the plaintiff. He must be punished for his misdeeds. Not only is he a trespasser, he is a violater!' Argus nods his head vigorously.";

end if;

if the time since Trial began is three minutes


say "Eris smiles sweetly. 'Everything my esteemed colleague says is true. However, the mortal Stiffy Makane did this at my behest, and I promised him immortality, if only he were able to anally violate Argus with the Golden Banana of Discord. My reasons for doing so were my own, and need not concern us here.' Juno glares poisonously at her.";

end if;

if the time since Trial began is four minutes


if scenery_argus is unboinked


say "Argus pipes up. 'Hey! Wait a second! First, he didn't fuck me with the Banana, and second, he didn't even get it in!'[paragraph break]";

say "Jupiter nudges Justitia, who frowns a moment, and then says 'True and true.'[paragraph break]";

say "Eris grimaces. 'Dammit, Stiffy, why didn't you just use the goddamn Banana like I told you?'[paragraph break]";

say "Jupiter shrugs. 'I find for the plaintiff. Sorry, Mister Makane. Better luck next incarnation.' Then he flings a thunderbolt at you.";

end the story saying "You have snatched defeat from halfway down the throat of victory";


[yep, from here on out, you've made it--you're immortal!]

if scenery_argus is warned_about


say "Argus shouts, 'Hey! Just a second here! He didn't even get it in!'[paragraph break]";

say "Jupiter nudges Justitia. She frowns for a moment and then taps her foot and inclines her blindfolded head towards Argus.[paragraph break]";

say "'...much,' finishes Argus in a much smaller voice. Juno puts her face in her hands.[paragraph break]";

say "Jupiter grins broadly. 'In that case,' he intones, 'I find for the defendant.'";


say "Jupiter smiles. 'Looks pretty open-and-shut to me. I find for the defendant.'";

end if;

end if;

end if;

if the time since Trial began is five minutes


say "An invisible choir sings, and you are bathed in radiance...[line break]The voice of Eris booms out: 'Congratulations, mortal!'[line break]'In return for thy service, I grant the the gift of Immortality!'[line break]You ascend to the status of Demigod[87 as a reference]...";

now the right hand status line is "Immortal";

end if;

if the time since Trial began is six minutes


say "Jupiter looks you over approvingly. 'Fertility god. Nice. Appropriate, too, given your career. So, what are you doing later...?' Juno glares at him.";

end if;

if the time since Trial began is seven minutes


say "Juno whines, 'But he humiliated my client. He and I are prepared to concede the immortality,' (Argus looks unsure on this point), 'but there must be accountability and punishment for his transgressions.' Argus smirks douchily as Jupiter looks pensive. Eris gulps.";

end if;

if the time since Trial began is eight minutes


say "Jupiter finally nods. 'You're right, of course,' he says to Juno. 'Sorry, Stiffy,' he tells you, as he points a finger at you. 'I hereby sentence you to be transformed into a pumpkin. An immortal and very sexy pumpkin, to be sure, but a pumpkin nonetheless.' He draws back his thumb.[paragraph break]";

say "'Wait!' shouts Eris.";

end if;

if the time since Trial began is nine minutes


say "Eris says, 'My client and I insist upon an escape clause. The Laws of Narrative state that all curses must come with a way to break them'[paragraph break]";

say "Juno mouths, 'Suck it!' at Eris, who gestures towards her crotch. Argus looks amused.[paragraph break]";

say "Jupiter meditates for a moment and says, 'Indeed. Stiffy, you are now a god. However, you are an extremely minor one. If and when you acquire mortal worshippers and manifest yourself to them, this curse will be lifted. At that time, you will be permitted to return, resume your normal form, and be reinstated as a full Olympian deity in good standing with all rights and privileges appertaining et cetera. Until that occurs, even if it takes all eternity, you will remain a[emdash]delightfully sexy[emdash]pumpkin. I have spoken.'[paragraph break]";

say "Eris, Juno, and Argus all look unhappy.";

end if;

if the time since Trial began is ten minutes


say "Jupiter's thumb bends; his index finger sparks....[paragraph break]";

say "[italic type]BANG![roman type][paragraph break]";

say "You're a pumpkin.";

now the player is a pumpkin;

consider the major-scene-change rule;

say "You are carried to the garden and placed on the ground.";

now the endgame start is the turn count;

end if.