Stiffy Makane: Apocolocyntosis — 189 of 235
One of the Bruces and Drunken Bastard
Chapter Two - "Apeneck Sweeny"
Apeneck Sweeny is a man in the Circular Ruins. "A big, beefy man with an immense neck, an unruly shock of red hair and a zebra-striped birthmark along his jaw lounges in front of the hornéd gate." Apeneck Sweeny has a virginity. Apeneck Sweeny is unboinked. Apeneck Sweeny has a horniness. Apeneck Sweeny is unaroused. The description is "Although his eyes are bleary, the man looks both big and fast. His bulk is muscle, not fat." Apeneck Sweeny is unaroused. Understand "man", "big", "beefy", "red-haired", "redheaded", "redhead", "fellow", "dangerous", "ape-neck", "ape-necked", and "dangerous-looking" as Apeneck Sweeny. The conversation of Apeneck Sweeny is the Table of Apeneck Sweeny's Chatter. The default reply of Apeneck Sweeny is "Apeneck Sweeny spreads his knees[line break]Letting his arms hang down to laugh,[line break]The zebra stripes along his jaw[line break]Swelling to maculate giraffe[35 as a reference]. ". After examining Apeneck Sweeny for the first time:
say "The man notices you staring at him. 'I'm Sweeny,' he says forthrightly. 'Everyone calls me Apeneck.'";
now Apeneck Sweeny is handled.
Instead of attacking, kicking, sucking, touching, rubbing, fucking, blowing, kissing, or wanking off Apeneck Sweeny for the first time, say "[if Apeneck Sweeny is handled]Apeneck Sweeny[otherwise]The man[end if] cracks his knuckles. 'Try that again,' he warns you, 'and I'll rip all your appendages off.'"
Instead of attacking, kicking, sucking, touching, rubbing, fucking, blowing, kissing, or wanking off Apeneck Sweeny:
say "Sweeny sighs. 'I [italic type]did[roman type] warn you,' he grumbles.";
end the story saying "You have been dismembered".
Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of Apeneck Sweeny: no.
The birthmark is part of Apeneck Sweeny. The description is "A set of purple stripes run along his jaw." Understand "maculate", "stripes", "purple", "giraffe", "zebra", and "mark" as the birthmark.
The sweeny_neck is part of Apeneck Sweeny. The printed name is "neck". The description is "His neck is huge, as big as your thigh." Understand "neck" and "huge" as the sweeny_neck.
The sweeny_hair is part of Apeneck Sweeny. The printed name is "hair". The description is "Unruly bright red hair, tangled and unkempt." Understand "hair", "red", "bright", "orange", "tangled", "unkempt", and "unruly" as the sweeny_hair.
Instead of giving or showing the fine Falernian wine to Apeneck Sweeny, say "'Falernian? Thanks, but it's totally wasted on me. Find me something cheaper and with more kick,' says [if Apeneck Sweeny is handled]Sweeny[otherwise]the red-haired man[end if]."
Instead of showing the wineskin to Apeneck Sweeny, say "'Gimme,' explains Sweeny.";
Instead of giving the wineskin to Apeneck Sweeny:
now Apeneck Sweeny is horny;
say "[if Apeneck Sweeny is handled]Sweeny[otherwise]The red-haired man[end if] grabs the skin from you and drains it in one long, unhurried, epical swallow[42 as a reference]. He belches extravagantly. 'Just what I needed!' he exclaims. 'Where are the women?'";
really have the parser notice Apeneck Sweeny;
move the wineskin to Limbo.
Instead of giving or showing something to Apeneck Sweeny, say "Sweeny considers [the noun] briefly. 'Nah,' he says."
Table of Apeneck Sweeny's Chatter
| topic | reply | summary | turn stamp |
| "Gate of Horn" or "Hornéd Gate" or "Horned Gate" or "Horn Gate" or "horn" | "'True dreams enter the world through the hornéd gate. It's my job to guard it from the likes of you. Pretty lonely and thirsty job.'" | "the Gate of Horn is how true dreams get into the world, and he guards it; he's lonely and thirsty" | -- |
| "Gate of Ivory" or "Ivory Gate" or "ivory" | "'That gate is where false dreams issue into the world.'" | "false dreams go through the Gate of Ivory" | -- |
| "thirst/thirsty/booze" | "'I sure could use a drink.'" | "he is thirsty" | -- |
| "Phlebas/Phoenician/zombie" | "'That poor bastard.'" | "he pities Phlebas" | -- |
| "lonely/loneliness/woman/women/girl/girls/sex" | "'I haven't had a woman in...I can't even remember how long.' He sighs." | "he misses the companionship of the fairer sex" | -- |
| "Sosostris/Madame" or "Madame Sosostris" | "'She's a bit long in the tooth. Maybe if I were a little drunk...'" | "Madame Sosostris is a little old for him, at least when he's sober" | -- |
| "neck/apeneck/ape-neck" | "'I work out,' he explains." | "the size of his neck is a result of hard effort." | -- |
| "Sweeny/himself" or "Apeneck Sweeny" | "'Not much to say, really. I have a job. I do it. End of story.'" | "he's reluctant to talk about himself" | -- |
| "Tantalus" | "'Maybe someday the mud will rise.'" | "he's not a fan of Tantalus" | -- |
| "Unreal/City" or "Unreal City" | "'I don't get across the river often. Don't like it much over there.'" | "he doesn't go into the city much" | -- |
| "Persephone/Dolly/Parton" or "Dolly Parton" | "'Nice tits, huh?'" | "he appreciates Persephone's breasts" | -- |
| "Cerberus/Vinnie/Golem/Ursa/dog/monster" | "He pumps his fist. 'Great dog! Best dog ever!'" | "for some reason he's a huge fan of Cerberus" | -- |
| "Charon/ferryman/skeleton" | "'Creepy.'" | "he thinks Charon is creepy." | |
| "Syra" | "'Yeah, maybe she'll be through sometime. Sure hope so.'" | "he hopes he gets to meet Syra" | -- |
Sleeping_Sweeny is a male person. Understand "Sweeny", "Apeneck", "sleeping", "sleepy", "snoring", "man", "big", "beefy", "red-haired", "redheaded", "redhead", "fellow", "dangerous", "ape-neck", "ape-necked", and "dangerous-looking" as Sleeping_Sweeny. "[if Apeneck Sweeny is handled]Sweeny[otherwise]The red-haired man[end if] snores behind a rubble pile." The description is "[if Apeneck Sweeny is handled]Sweeny[otherwise]The red-haired man[end if] is fast asleep behind some rubble, snoring loudly." Instead of doing anything other than examining with Sleeping_Sweeny, say "Best to let sleeping guardians lie."